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Cavalcade of Bad Nativities
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  Cavalcade of Bad Nativities
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Sunday, December 19, 2004

I'm a parade float

For everyone who thought the rhinestone sweatshirt was too restrained:

That's some sparkle. There's a wise man on the back, presumably lost and trying to find his way back to the front.
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Jesus watches you from behind one-way glass

I keep stumbling across this item in my quest for new nativity goodness to show you.

Here's what it does:

Life Of Jesus Cross Light

Scenes from the life of Jesus decorate an elaborately designed wall cross. At center, Jesus sits behind a mirror and, when switched on, is illuminated by a pale light. Uses two AA batteries, not included.

So, you're looking in the mirror, and then you turn the light on, and then, AAAAAH! It's Jesus! He's watching me!
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who stole the cookie from the deeply confused cookie jar?

I found another cookie jar.

I'm imagining the design meeting on this one.
"Rainbow! There's a rainbow in the Bible. You know, Noah? Let's put a rainbow in there."
"Wasn't Joseph, like, really old when Jesus was born?"
"You're thinking of Abraham. He was old when Isaac when born, and then there was the whole sacrifice thing..."
"Look, I've already made his hair gray, so you're just going to have to deal with it."
"Is that a bottle in his hand?"
"NO. That's a lantern."
"Are you sure? 'Cause it looks like a bottle. Whoo hoo! Toasting the birth of the Christ child!"
"It's. A. Lamp."
"Maybe the wise men brought booze for the new dad. That was so thoughtful. It's definitely a bottle."
"SHUT IT! It's a LAMP! I hate you." [flounces out]
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Monday, December 20, 2004

CSI: Bethlehem

Both adults appeared to be missing their legs.

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Tuesday, December 21, 2004

savior under glass

Today we will look at more examples of strange nativity waterglobes.

Bethlehem air traffic control didn't know what to do about the people floating above the city.

Another example of the hermetically sealed Baby Jesus concept. The waterglobe part rotates. Of course it does.
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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

maybe santa is bringing baby Jesus a nice refreshing Coca-Cola

The opportunity exists here to go off on secular Christmas vs. sacred Christmas, but you know what? I'm freaking exhausted. And you've pretty much heard it all before anyway, so my additional thoughts about Santa aren't going to be all that illuminating. So fill in the rant here, mad-libs style.

This is wrong on [number] levels. What [adjective][noun] thought of this? Jesus [letter]. Christ on a [noun], this is a [adjective] idea.
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Thursday, December 23, 2004

there's NO Jesus like SNOW Jesus

Apparently, it's really cute/touching/inspirational when people made of snow give birth to adorable, extremely meltable saviors. It must be, because there are so many snow-centric nativity sets.

Snowmen in coats...because they want to stay warm...?

These two both portray a giant protective figure over the snowtivity. The huge angel is frightening.

And the pillow has a bear in a sweater snuggled between Mary, Joseph, and Snow-god.

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Friday, December 24, 2004

randomness wrap-up

Since this is the last day of our Cavalcade of Bad Nativities, here are all the ones I've gathered along the way and not posted.

Weird animal nativity department:

Research suggests that cats actually hate being dressed up.

Whoooo is the son of God? Whoooo?

Hey kids! Come throw beanbags at the holy family! Yeah!

This one needs a second look. That's a leg.

This one would just be another ho-hum nativity on top of a shrubbery if it didn't have Thomas Kinkade's name attached to it. But the addition of the Kinkade brand of bland makes it snark-worthy. I despise his art. I do not like him painting boats, I do not like him painting goats. I do not like insipid cottages here or there, I do not like them anywhere.

This one amuses me because everyone looks so surprised, especially Mary. Baby Jesus just looks uncomfortable, like he's trying to avoid being stuck in the back by a piece of straw.

Merry Christmas, everyone!
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