Angels We Have Heard
Are High

angelic kitsch...from Hell

Cavalcade of Bad Nativities
it came upon a midnight weird

The Passion of the Tchotchke
holy week kitsch-o-rama

Stations of the Kitsch


I am not responsible for the content of the above ads, which are often hilariously mis-matched.


Friday, December 24, 2004

randomness wrap-up

Since this is the last day of our Cavalcade of Bad Nativities, here are all the ones I've gathered along the way and not posted.

Weird animal nativity department:

Research suggests that cats actually hate being dressed up.

Whoooo is the son of God? Whoooo?

Hey kids! Come throw beanbags at the holy family! Yeah!

This one needs a second look. That's a leg.

This one would just be another ho-hum nativity on top of a shrubbery if it didn't have Thomas Kinkade's name attached to it. But the addition of the Kinkade brand of bland makes it snark-worthy. I despise his art. I do not like him painting boats, I do not like him painting goats. I do not like insipid cottages here or there, I do not like them anywhere.

This one amuses me because everyone looks so surprised, especially Mary. Baby Jesus just looks uncomfortable, like he's trying to avoid being stuck in the back by a piece of straw.

Merry Christmas, everyone!
link | Comments []

[back to top]

Thursday, December 23, 2004

there's NO Jesus like SNOW Jesus

Apparently, it's really cute/touching/inspirational when people made of snow give birth to adorable, extremely meltable saviors. It must be, because there are so many snow-centric nativity sets.

Snowmen in coats...because they want to stay warm...?

These two both portray a giant protective figure over the snowtivity. The huge angel is frightening.

And the pillow has a bear in a sweater snuggled between Mary, Joseph, and Snow-god.

link | Comments []

[back to top]

I am apparently someone whose happiness is more dependent on a copy machine than is really healthy

It must be Christmas. The church's copier died. It's being all jammy-jam-jam-jam and crumply-crumple-butt. The copier man came and pronounced it in need of parts. Parts he does not have.

I am not especially upset about this, since I got everything vital produced yesterday, but it does point to the increasing instability of my little universe.

We just turned the copier off, which we never do because it takes ten minutes to boot up. There's a graphic of the space shuttle on its screen to enjoy while you're waiting. It mocks you with its speediness.

The Christmas Pageant was last night. If there is a law against gratuitous cuteness, we can look forward to some citations. The little sheep who kept waving to everyone and shouting BAAAAA! is probably a huge fine from the Cuteness Police right there. And the angels conducting us with their little glittery wands as we sang Angels We Have Heard on High were also adorable. Shut UP, ovaries. No one needs to hear from you right now. It is not my job to provide a baby Jesus for the next pageant, mmmmkay?

Speaking of adorable small people, the fairy godchild will be here tomorrow with her parents and I am ten kinds of excited. Their decision to spend Christmas here instead of Montana was the best! gift! ever!

So, I've finished, like, a quarter of the projects I wanted to have done for gifts. Feh. And the apartment has the amazing spinning tree and that's it. Although I made sure to get the giant plastic containers full of decorations out and put them in the middle of the living room, where we can trip over them, which is almost as good as having decorations up, right?. See previous comment re: the Christmas that kind of wasn't.

Also, I seem to go from zero to tears in a fraction of a second, but I think that's probably the sleep deprivation. I'm feeling kind of paralyzed by anxiety at the moment, in that place where you can't really move past it by maybe doing something about the thing that is making you anxious. Nope, I'm a big pile of Freak Out at the moment, and I just bought the upgrade kit to make Super Freak Out.
link | Comments []

[back to top]

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

maybe santa is bringing baby Jesus a nice refreshing Coca-Cola

The opportunity exists here to go off on secular Christmas vs. sacred Christmas, but you know what? I'm freaking exhausted. And you've pretty much heard it all before anyway, so my additional thoughts about Santa aren't going to be all that illuminating. So fill in the rant here, mad-libs style.

This is wrong on [number] levels. What [adjective][noun] thought of this? Jesus [letter]. Christ on a [noun], this is a [adjective] idea.
link | Comments []

[back to top]

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

savior under glass

Today we will look at more examples of strange nativity waterglobes.

Bethlehem air traffic control didn't know what to do about the people floating above the city.

Another example of the hermetically sealed Baby Jesus concept. The waterglobe part rotates. Of course it does.
link | Comments []

[back to top]

Monday, December 20, 2004

CSI: Bethlehem

Both adults appeared to be missing their legs.

link | Comments []

[back to top]

Merry Christmas from Fuzzy Hot-Elf

Santa's Little Helper Name Generator

Time wastage: it's everywhere you want to be.
link | Comments []

[back to top]

Sunday, December 19, 2004

I'm a parade float

For everyone who thought the rhinestone sweatshirt was too restrained:

That's some sparkle. There's a wise man on the back, presumably lost and trying to find his way back to the front.
link | Comments []

[back to top]

Jesus watches you from behind one-way glass

I keep stumbling across this item in my quest for new nativity goodness to show you.

Here's what it does:

Life Of Jesus Cross Light

Scenes from the life of Jesus decorate an elaborately designed wall cross. At center, Jesus sits behind a mirror and, when switched on, is illuminated by a pale light. Uses two AA batteries, not included.

So, you're looking in the mirror, and then you turn the light on, and then, AAAAAH! It's Jesus! He's watching me!
link | Comments []

[back to top]

who stole the cookie from the deeply confused cookie jar?

I found another cookie jar.

I'm imagining the design meeting on this one.
"Rainbow! There's a rainbow in the Bible. You know, Noah? Let's put a rainbow in there."
"Wasn't Joseph, like, really old when Jesus was born?"
"You're thinking of Abraham. He was old when Isaac when born, and then there was the whole sacrifice thing..."
"Look, I've already made his hair gray, so you're just going to have to deal with it."
"Is that a bottle in his hand?"
"NO. That's a lantern."
"Are you sure? 'Cause it looks like a bottle. Whoo hoo! Toasting the birth of the Christ child!"
"It's. A. Lamp."
"Maybe the wise men brought booze for the new dad. That was so thoughtful. It's definitely a bottle."
"SHUT IT! It's a LAMP! I hate you." [flounces out]
link | Comments []

[back to top]