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Friday, July 30, 2004
I haven't been to church very much this summer; I haven't even been honest enough to be actively avoiding going, I've just let any small excuse justify skipping a Sunday.
Church kind of sucks for me lately. This entire year has been all about giant upheavals - the liturgy is getting changed, service times are being shifted, and the music is getting an overhaul.
The changes are right, they're essential if St. Ned's is going to keep growing and have a place for kids who are older than toddlers to worship, but no one is in their comfort zone anymore. A lot of people I care about seem to be angry or hurt or anxious. Some are leaving.
I don't think there's any way for change to happen without pain, so in the largest sense, what is happening now has to happen this way. The choices are not to change, or to change and go through a big messy time. There is no easy way.
Which all sounds reasonable, but it turns out I'm not very good at the messyness part of it. I'm so bad at dealing with other people's negative emotions about the changes. I keep taking it personally when people vent to me. I feel like the enemy.
I don't actually bear a lot of the responsibility for what's happening, but I do support what TheRev is doing, even if I'm not enjoying the birthing process even a little bit. I believe it's the right direction, but I'm having a hard time reconciling that with the actual hurting people I encounter. I feel so useless.
I don't know what this says about me and my fitness to lead, honestly. I'm bothered that I can't do a better job of shaking it off when people start dumping on the parish, that I start getting defensive right away. It's hard because it's the first time that I've really felt my 'other-ness' - when being on staff and being a parishioner have collided. So the little voice in my head says that it's only going to get worse when I have a collar, and that I'd better figure it out now.
Mostly I'm just really sad today.
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I feel like such a grownup today. I've been on the phone with Dennis' insurance company (USAA) and have confirmed that our renter's insurance covers my swanky sewing machine and new laptop, and switched over the car insurance to them, saving like $500 in the process. Go me. I may get this adulthood thing yet. I mean, just having renter's insurance should get us points in that area. I admit that I didn't have it before we got married
If you ever buy something at Cost Plus and it says 'minimal assembly required' it is a lie. A big honking two-and-a-half-hour lie. I picked up a baker's rack thingy for the kitchen to create more counter space and was still putting it together at 11:00 last night. It's lovely, though. Clyde the Wonderkitty was sitting on the bottom shelf this morning looking very pleased with herself. Operation Less-Sucky Kitchen continues.
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Thursday, July 29, 2004
I got my official Skool for Deacons acceptance letter yesterday. I did cackle and yell, fools! but mostly for dramatic effect to amuse Dennis. I've been very quietly freaking out this week because it suddenly hit me that going to school will mean things like, you know, classes, and papers, and projects, and sometimes it feels like I'm barely holding my head above water now. I mean, normal, functioning adults do their laundry a hell of a lot more often than I do, so that it isn't like this huge parallel-laundry-processing event which involves taking over half the laundromat.
So, I guess that means August is going to be Get Your Shit In Order month. I need to finish re-assembling the kitchen, which is still exploded all over the house because as soon as we finished painting, we started getting leaks from the apartment upstairs. We think it's fixed now, sort of. I need to finish carving out the dining room, which will mean finding room for all of my books which are in boxes where the table is supposed to go, and since I'm paying for skool now, solving this through Ikea is not an option.
The fairy godchild is being baptized this Sunday - naked if I don't finish her dress. Actually, it's coming along very well, except that I have to go to Lacis to buy some entredeux (silly swiss trim which is holding up this project) and they are only open when I'm at work so I can't finish the sleeves until Friday, when I can get there.
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Kabbalah Red String
A centuries-old spiritual tool used by Kabbalists, this red string is believed to protect against the evil eye, a negative energy source. What makes this particular piece of string so special is, in part, the fact that it has traveled to Israel, to the ancient tomb of Rachel the Matriarch, and returned, imbued with the essence of protection. The string is tied to the left wrist—the left being the body and soul's receiving side—and worn to essentially deflect the negative energy brought forth by unfriendly and envious stares, unkind glances and looks of ill will. A feeling we've all experienced, the evil eye is considered by Kabbalah to be a powerful force and an influential factor in regards to achieving goals and everyday well-being. The string draws upon the connection to and awareness of Rachel and must be tied on by a loved one and sealed with Rachel's protective energy by reciting the Ben Porat prayer (included on a card). From The Kabbalah Centre. 72L".
I guess the nice thing is that maybe it means that Christians don't have a lock on the stupid religious crap merchandise market.
Oh, and it's at Target. I get a lot of shit at Target, but religion...not so much.
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Monday, July 26, 2004
Really cool new object: the Lapinator, which makes my laptop compatible with shorts. That thing is a furnace, and this provides a more leg-friendly surface. I really love my laptop, like a big loving thing with a ton of RAM.
I have a new non-huge-crackity windshield on the bug. Finally. It's much less of a hoopty now. The guy who put it in told me not to wash the car for a couple of days. Yeah, like there was any danger of that happening.
Dennis is Mr. Rocking Husband. That is all.
I started taking a serious multivitamin a few weeks back. It's called Ultimate Woman or something ridiculous like that. After hearing about my grandmother's bones cracking every time she moves, I thought, hey, I don't actually consume a lot of calcium myself, and my diet probably is missing a lot of other stuff, so I got these big blue horsepills and choke down a couple a day. Thing is - I think they're working. I have more energy, anyway. So, hey, health.
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