Angels We Have Heard
Are High

angelic kitsch...from Hell

Cavalcade of Bad Nativities
it came upon a midnight weird

The Passion of the Tchotchke
holy week kitsch-o-rama

Stations of the Kitsch


I am not responsible for the content of the above ads, which are often hilariously mis-matched.


Wednesday, April 28, 2004

in case you were wondering

There is a reason why Ryan is the official coolest person on the planet. Exhibit A:

The Bridezilla Cake. It breathed fire, via a shot of rum in its mouth which was ignited. Look at the pink claws! The glint in its eye which says, "this was NOT on my registry!" The royal icing lace on its veil! And it was chocolate with cherry filling and was extremely tasty!

She made this for a really great party she and Jon threw for us on Sunday. Jon's sister, Sarah, the braisin' hussy, made some fabulous treats, too, including the delightful (Erika) Strata. And the little twice-baked potatoes, which were a pain in the ass to make but soooo tasty.

There was a craft at WeddingFest, because there is always a craft at a fest. We worked on the wedding favors, which are windup monkey brides. Here they are, in progress:

They don't have their tiaras yet here.

I'm staying home from work today to sew. I'm having a little time out right now because I just screwed up and am having a small tantrum.
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Monday, April 26, 2004

more fun with the computers

Installing all of the stuff I bought on Friday actually took less time than it did to buy it at Fry's. I apologize to those who don't live in the SF Bay area, where ragging on Fry's Electronics is an art form.

I had to pay with a St. Ned's check, because they [dramatic pause] don't take American Express, which is what I carry for church business. Were I not three weeks out from the wedding and therefore hemorrhaging cash, I would have paid for it with my own Visa and gotten reimbursed, but that seemed ill-advised under the circumstances.

So, I was at Fry's, writing a check. People with Fry's experience are already guffawing loudly. Paying for my mound of computer bits with a check took 20 minutes, multiple phone calls, and the efforts of three employees. But, eventually, I was allowed to leave with my shiny new objects.

I only got the power supply installed on Friday, thanks to the extended remix shopping trip, and when I came back on Saturday to do the rest, I had the happy surprise of finding that the software had arrived. So I set the whole thing up and it's fabulous. I'm looking forward to playing with it.

I need to see if I can do a second audio track, because I want there to be a Director's Commentary option on the wedding video DVD.

"I have no idea what's up with my hair here."
"Well, that seemed like a good idea."
"We were going for kind of a Coen brothers thing with that shot, but it didn't work."
"If you look closely here, you can see that the thing on the left is about to fall over. Oh! There it goes. Those stains did come out later."
"I thought this was going to get edited out."
"That was supposed to be waterproof mascara."
"The bees really liked that corsage, as it turned out. I had no idea my mom could run that fast."
"We really should have moved that candle."
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your daily weirdness

Evangelist Squirrel

I guess the squirrels repented after the weeeee! video.
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Friday, April 23, 2004

fun with phillips-head screwdrivers

Should all church secretaries be able to field-strip a PC and put it back together? Ok, probably not, but I have to say, it helps.

I have two patients on the operating table today. One is a serious surgery, in that the power supply of the youth minister's computer is failing. At least, I hope so, since I'm about to go to Fry's and buy a new one and I would really like that to solve all of its problems. The old power supply came out without too much trouble, and I was very clever and actually labeled all the bits as I unplugged them, so that I will have some idea of what needs to be plugged back in where on the new one. I also took digital photos of the inside before I dismantled everything. Normally, I only think of these things after I'm surrounded by parts that don't seem to go anywhere. I even put all the screws in a dixie cup instead of just leaving them kicking around the tabletop. I'm growing up or something.

The other task is upgrading a computer to do digital video editing. St. Ned's has a really nice digital video camera, but no way to do editing (the current method = go to parishioner's house who has the right software). So, I got us a DVD burner (at a great price, thanks to my favorite deal source, Slick-Deals), and will be picking up a buttload of RAM and a firewire card at Fry's. The software is on its way from Amazon. We're starting with Screenblast Movie Studio 3.0. We want to make relatively basic movies to show during services, so I think this will be adequate. Also, no one here actually knows anything about making movies, so starting simple is the way to go.

I may or may not actually film my epic, The Toys On Top of Sara's Monitor. We did a little one-act play yesterday in which the dancing hula girl touched the hem of the Jesus action figure's robe and was healed, while the stuffed bear looked on and the Jesus on a Spring bounced about happily.

Ok, it's me versus Fry's next. And a trip to In-n-Out. And a swing by the paper store to look at paper for wedding programs, because somehow, this has to be about the wedding. I "don't actually work on Friday afternoons," but given the choice between having an empty office to do my computer voodoo in, or trying to do it in the middle of a normal day...I am making the right choice.
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Thursday, April 22, 2004

like Charlie Brown's teacher

My amazing goddaughter, Grandmaster BabyK, was in the office yesterday afternoon, saying blah blah blaba in the way that six-months-olds do, and I realized that I probably sound a lot like that, except it's blah blah blaba wedding blah blaba blah wedding blah.

I sincerely hope that my brain comes back after May 15th. That is all.
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Saturday, April 17, 2004

yesterday it was my birthday, I hung one more year on the line...

...I should be depressed, my life's a mess, but I'm having a good time...

Actually, Thursday was my birthday, but I can never miss a chance to quote 70s-era Paul Simon.

I'm weird about my birthday. I can never decide if I want people to make a big deal about it or not. This makes me a giant pain in the ass, of course.

I don't know why I'm so ambivilent. It's not the fear of getting older. Every year, I just hope that I'll finally outgrow acne. 34 isn't a scary number, and my life is on an upward trajectory so the best years are certainly not behind me.

Of course, last year, my life really did suck fifteen kinds of monkey butt on my birthday. It was Holy Week, and I was staying on Jon and Ryan's couch and in no mood to celebrate. But Ryan and Leigh tried their best, making me a giant fondue feast and trying to get me all liquored up on red wine. I'm not really sure how the fondue fuel spilled on the table, and I certainly didn't leap on it heroically to save the table from the puddle of blue flames. I don't actually remember how the fire got put out, in fact. The cool thing was that it barely damaged the table, since only the fuel was burning.

So, after that, it was kind of a letdown not to get any flaming furniture in honor of my birthday this year.

The wedding is really overshadowing everything else right now, including the birthday, which is to be expected. Actually, my birthday was also the one-month point for the wedding, so we're now into a matter of weeks. I should be sewing right now.
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Thursday, April 15, 2004

One nation, under ME...

Jesus Pledges Allegiance painting

So, um, can anyone think of anything that Jesus could be pledging allegiance to that wouldn't be completely wrong?

The most obvious interpretation is that he's pledging allegiance to the flag, of course. But no one would actually suggest that, right? That Jesus should pledge his allegiance to our flag? I don't even think that Fox News would say that.

I hope it makes Jesus of the Week at some point.

On a far more entertaining note, check out the commercial for the Jesus Action Figure.
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Monday, April 12, 2004

repeat customers are our most valuable customers

Dennis and I just bought our wedding rings online. After I finished the checkout, the store, which pretty much only sells wedding rings, asked if I wanted to be notified of future specials - presumably on wedding rings. Urrrrm, thanks, I think I'll be using this one for a while, mmmmkay?

I know they just want to ping us later to try to get us to buy sparkly 'anniversary' rings (not bloody likely), but it was still funny. We want to be your wedding ring store, every time!
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the Easter that sort of wasn't

Bleh. I missed Easter. I came down with the stupid stomach bug that is making the rounds here, and had to miss the Easter Vigil, which is only my favorite service of the entire year, and I didn't feel well enough to make the drive to St. Ned's Sunday morning, either. So I need everyone to sing a couple bars of Jesus Christ is Risen Today to make me feel better. Ok? On three....

I was feeling a bit better by late afternoon on Sunday, and I was starting to go a mite stir-crazy from being in the house for two days, so Dennis took me out for a little skee-ball and a movie. We saw Hellboy, which seemed like a fine choice for Easter. Or not. But I liked it a lot more than I expected to, and it was nice to be out with the Dennis. Plus the rickety old Addams Family pinball machine at the arcade was malfunctioning and kept giving us free balls, which was fun once we got used to the fact that the flippers were a bit delayed and played the game accordingly. Still badly, of course, but hey, free balls.

We rounded out the evening with some tidbit TV, which usually takes the form of "VH-1's 100 [blankiest] [blanks]" and is the perfect background noise for getting work done. I sewed beads on the neckline of my future wedding dress (right now, it's a bunch of shapes cut out of fabric), which is what I have been doing for a couple of weeks now. So far, there are 3 gross of Swarovski crystals on there, which sounds like a human disco ball, but somehow isn't.
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Friday, April 09, 2004

oh, look, it's April

Hey, poor people (you know, like those who work in churches) - there are lots of places to get free e-filing of your taxes if your adjusted gross income is less than $35k (thank you, student loan interest writeoff).

I had no idea, and was just about to give TurboTax $40 when I found out. I did end up paying the free people $10 to file my Cali tax, but that's because I'm too lazy to do the paper version.

In other words, whee, my taxes are done. Next up, Dennis' taxes.
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Thursday, April 08, 2004

what? were? they? thinking?

The Passion of the Easter Bunny

It may not have been as gruesome as Mel Gibson's movie, but many parents and children got upset when a church trying to teach about Jesus' crucifixion performed an Easter show with actors whipping the Easter bunny and breaking eggs.

People who attended Saturday's show at Glassport's memorial stadium quoted performers as saying, "There is no Easter bunny," and described the show as being a demonstration of how Jesus was crucified.
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Subservient Chicken

I can just picture this meeting..."hey, what can we do to make Burger King even more disturbing than those horrible singing tumors at Quizno's?"

The answer: Subservient Chicken.

I told it to wash my feet, in the spirit of Maundy Thursday.

Here's a rapidly-growing list of things the chicken will and won't do. Apparently there are over 400 clips.
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Wednesday, April 07, 2004

beware the bunny

St. Ned's is having its Easter Egg Hunt on Saturday. Of course, a visit from the Easter Bunny is part of the festivities. There's usually a teenage boy inside the costume, since they're the right size and they're willing to run around in a big fursuit with a giant head while being tackled by children. Adults will not touch this job.

Last year, the bunny-boy's little sisters were hassling him, so he smacked one of them lightly. Which led another child to ask her mom why the Easter Bunny was hitting those kids. So, we're the church with the kid-smacking Easter Bunny. I love this place.
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Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Soul-Search Engine

Soul-Search Engine on The Onion.

"As the amount of information on the web increases, individuals want a search engine to provide them with results that are personally meaningful," Semel said. "Enter the Yahoo Soul Search—a powerful new tool that reveals what's deep inside your heart, using the user-friendly interface already familiar to Yahoo fans."
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The Raccoon Stories

In case you missed it: The Raccoon Stories at Real Live Preacher.
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I've just been accused of glowing. Apparently this has been going on for a while now.
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famous bakers

Ryan and Leigh and the thorax cake have become a meme.

Not Martha
Dave Barry

I wonder if my wedding cake will be as famous...
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Sunday, April 04, 2004

meet the beetle

One of my less appealing personality characteristics is that I'm deeply lazy. I believe we call this sloth, although that always makes me think of the silly animal by that name and distracts me from what I really mean.

To make this slothfulness even less charming, I will let something, say the interior of my car, go for far far too long, and then when I finally do something about it, I want a freaking parade in my honor.

Get the monkeys into their costumes, because I actually cleaned my car interior this morning. I've been housesitting this weekend, and taking care of Rainbow, aka Spazzy McSpazdog, a very sweet golden retriever puppy with a thing for chewing on my arm. Housesitting also allowed me access to an actual driveway and an array of devices that all pointed to cleaning my damn car already.

First, I mucked out the debris, finding, among other things, an unmailed birthday gift for my niece. Ack. I am the world's suckiest aunt. It will go in the mail tomorrow. (I'm so sorry, MacKenzie! I have Bridal Brain! I have lost 20 IQ points and all of my short-term memory!) I also found an inflatable monkey, 7 diet crack cans, 4 mapquest printouts to places I haven't been in months, 6 doses of sudafed, a Book of Common Prayer, 8 ballpoint pens, and $1.83 in change. I would point out here that I didn't even touch the trunk, and that the Beetle is not a large car. This was all in the passenger compartment.

Then I vacuumed, which was very exciting because my friend owns an actual grownup vacuum, the kind that people with carpets and kids and dogs should have. We have hardwood floors at home, and are all about the Swiffer, plus a little handvac. Then I used the other thing that probably everyone with carpets and kids and dogs should have, which is the Bissel Stainlifter, a deep cleaning wet brush thingy. I used that on the seats, especially where things like spilled coffee and muddy dog feet had come into play. Fabulous.

Then I got really inspired and started cleaning all the plastic bits and the doorjambs and the vast expanse of dashboard and the cupholders. I even took the silk daisies out of the vase and shook them to get some of the dust off.

The outside is still pretty good, since Dennis washed it last week. The Bird Mafia at St. Ned's has already left some calling cards. I've seen them; they sit on my side mirrors and just let fly. I usually have matching decorations on both sides of the car. I sense conspiracy. I gave those a quick swipe, though, so they'll just have to put new ones on tomorrow.

And thus ends an incredibly long post about cleaning my car.
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Saturday, April 03, 2004

was that everything you thought it would be?

Well, it took long enough.

At long last, someone FINALLY got around to snarkily asking me if I'm really getting married this time. In that "oh, man, have I been looking forward to this!" way that people get when they think, wow, they really have you this time and you're going to feel like such an idiot now. I'm sure you can imagine the kind of smile she had when she said it. All surface politeness and venom.

People who know me may be surprised to know that the word Fuck did not appear in my answer, as in "why the fuck would you even think that was an appropriate thing to say?" I was good, and just smiled and then seethed quietly for about two minutes before I got distracted, and forgot about it until this morning, when I was able to just shake my head while rolling my eyes. And I drank a decent supply of red wine last night, so I was especially happy I could do those things at 9:00 on a Saturday morning when I needed to get over to church to fold palm crosses for tomorrow.

Feh. Still, that's the first shitty comment that I've gotten. A while back, I went through a little time of being freaked out about doing the big public wedding after previously backing out of having a big public wedding, because honestly I thought that the general reaction was going to mirror that snarky comment from last night. So in a way it was kind of nice to finally get the snark that I knew I had coming to me, and to not especially care.

We are in fact having a wedding. A big old, full-metal Episcopal wedding with a church full of people (note to self - mailing out the invitations would help this happen) all yelling "We will!!" when TheRev asks who will support this couple in their marriage. Followed by a party with tapas and sangria and a giant cake made by Ryan and Leigh, who have been at Cake Decorating Boot Camp in Chicago for the past two weeks. Because my friends really do rock like big rocking things about which people often say, "that rocks!"

Not everyone is going to like our wedding, to which I say...yeah, whatever. Ok, I don't say that, but I desperately want to be a person who says that so that I will not make the Dennis insane for the next 42 days and nights.

I vacillate between thinking that everything wedding-related is fabulous and under control, and thinking that this tulle-wrapped handbasket is picking up speed in the luge ride to hell. It just seems like such a giant to-do list, you know?

Dennis is being entirely wonderful and taking care of most of the domestic bits so that I can focus on the stuff I need to do, and we're just really excited about getting to marry each other. The details will come together, or else they'll get tossed. Next up, I have Holy Week to deal with.
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Thursday, April 01, 2004

Oprah Added to Trinity

Beliefnet's April Fool's page. Snerk.


  • Jews Add Fifth Question to Four Questions for Passover Seder: "Did We Kill Jesus?"
  • New Study: Prayer Increases Cholesterol
  • Labyrinth Walker Missing for Third Day
  • Medical Journal: Yoga Mats Cause Cancer
  • Wiccans Change Lingo: 'Whatever' Replaces 'Blessed Be'
  • Pope Urges Faithful: "Do What Feels Right to YOU"
  • New Rick Warren Book, 'Don't Bother,' Tops Charts

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