Don’t worry guys, there’s nativity fug for you, too! Nativity ties for everyone!

I’m pretty sure the one on the far left isn’t supposed to be the silhouette of two people playing pattycake over a tiki lamp. But what do I know.

I’m not checking out your rack, I’m following the star.

Are you sure this is sparkly enough? I’m worried that it can’t be seen from space.

This weekend, we celebrate the nativity as fashion icon. You don’t get much more stylish than this:

Better to have Camel Arm than cameltoe, but still.

The ad copy on this one suggests that it “will make an angel collector jump for joy.” Which is odd considering that the little feetie-pajamas angel looks like she’s about to belly-flop onto the baby, and that can’t be safe. Perhaps the angel could redirect her divine energy into doing something useful, like freeing the poor little sheep trapped in the crook of the J.

Mary? Joseph? I get that it’s convenient to just leave your kid with the angels and go off and do whatever. I’m just not sure you’re screening Jesus’ caregivers well enough.

As long as we’re looking at angels who are not doing their jobs, let’s pull out this next exhibit.

This angel is not in control of the situation. This angel is about to let Santa take that baby back to the North Pole. To be raised by elves. That’s. Not. Right. You know what goes on there.

…and, if so, was it accompanied by a fiddle player and a strange Dolly Parton-esque angel? Were you visited by the three wise cowpokes?

I’ve been looking at this for days, and I still don’t know what Joseph is wearing. Or why they are pupil-less freaks wearing too much eyeliner. Or why the baby is wearing a bonnet stolen from the Holly Hobbie I had in 1976. I don’t know why Jesus’ feet are gigantic. I don’t know what happened to the rest of their noses. Advent, a time of mystery!

Doesn’t that look like a bottle in Joseph’s hand? Especially since he appears to be screaming “I SO TOTALLY ROCK!”

Mary and what I think may be Jesus’ fairy godmother(?) are shocked to discover that the baby’s body is now a giant tomato with arms.

The sad, sad people who brought you the depressed cat nativity have also aimed their bummer-beam at America’s Greatest Threat: the bear.

Same rigor mortis baby, same dog-angels. Perhaps the dogs were mauled by the bears? I don’t know. But I do know that somewhere out there is a nativity designer who really, really needs a hug.