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Friday, November 12, 2004


The meeting with the principal (that's not his real title, of course, but it amuses me) went well this morning. Worst case, I will get an incomplete in a couple of classes and have to finish some things up over the Christmas break, but I should be able to catch up before then. I'm taking my books and laptop with me on the retreat, so I should be able to bang out a couple of papers this weekend.

The moving truck came for the fairy godchild's family's stuff yesterday. I helped them pack earlier this week. Packing with a 13-month-old is fun. She was especially fascinated by the bubblewrap. I made one stupid mistake, though - I could have slipped a couple of cases of those damn St. Ned's mugs in with their stuff and they never would have noticed until they got to Montana, at which point the mugs would be their problem and not mine. Sigh. I really missed an opportunity there.

I'm really looking forward to the first weekend in December, when Dennis and I are taking a little trip south to get away and go see the great white shark at the aquarium. Hotels on the coast are cheapo in December, and our 6-month anniversary is next Monday, so we're having an escape. I haven't had enough chances to just enjoy the fabulousness of the Dennis lately.
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there's a train leaving nightly called When All is Said and Done

I got the call this morning - my grandmother died. It certainly wasn't a surprise, and my grandfather and my mom and my aunt were with her, which was good.

Mom said that she's probably having a golf game in heaven now, but I had to correct her, because of course the first day is Orientation. My anxiety-addled brain can't imagine that they'd just throw you into heaven without some kind of orientation - what if you got lost? Or showed up with your angel-alb on backwards? Nope, there must be an orientation, and a Welcome to Heaven binder with maps, an FAQ, and the words to the Sanctus, because according to the eucharistic prayer, it's forever sung to the glory of God's name. Hopefully it's easy to get a tee time, and she can get in a round or two of golf later.
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Thursday, November 11, 2004

I will get by...

I really didn't expect things to be this hard...the problem is that every little coping mechanism that I've pieced together over the past 34 years just isn't working all that well anymore. It feels like I'm being stripped back down to my 7th grade self, the one who didn't have any way to cope. And this, I have to say, is quite a shitty place to be.

Yes, I can accept that God needs this to happen to me, that we need a serious reduction in bullshit in order for me to be effective, but it's really quite terrifying. There's a lot of stuff I haven't dealt with, stuff I've just sort of paved over for 20 years or so, and honestly? I'm not that excited about poking back through it. Not even a little bit.

I'm feeling kind of weird. But I'm grounded in love, the love of God and the love of everyone around me who is being amazing. So it's going to be ok.

I'm really glad I have the retreat coming up this weekend. My fabulous roommate isn't going to be able to go. This cuts down on the potential for causing mayhem, but it also gives me a room all to myself, which will perhaps be useful. My general approach to retreats is that it's my retreat, and I will participate in what I want to and skip the rest. If I want to sit in my room and knit and journal and pray for two days and emerge only for meals, well, that's what will happen.

I have a meeting tomorrow with the principal of deacon skool, to try to figure out what I should do about the fact that I am Massively Behind and apparently not dealing with the emotional component as well as I expected to. I can't be the first person to have a rough first semester, so I expect that we'll come up with a good plan, even if it means dropping a class or taking an incomplete for something. There's a way out of where I am right now, and it's altogether shocking that I'm willing to let other people help me find it.
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