Angels We Have Heard
Are High

angelic kitsch...from Hell

Cavalcade of Bad Nativities
it came upon a midnight weird

The Passion of the Tchotchke
holy week kitsch-o-rama

Stations of the Kitsch


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Thursday, September 30, 2004

ooh, look, God takes PayPal!

Of course that thing I posted yesterday is drawing all manner of afterlife products to my attention.

I really thought that God would know something about good html and site design, but it turns out that is not the case. Anyway, He is now offering to write personal letters for $4.95 on the site Direct from God.

I've seen Jesus Insertion Technology before, in which your loved one is photoshopped into heaven. As seen in Pets We Love and Heavenly Images. I thought it might help me, so here is Larry the iPod in heaven.

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Wednesday, September 29, 2004

babies and frosting

We celebrated the fairy godchild's first birthday at the parish dinner tonight. Here she is enjoying her purple-frosted cupcake:

Sometimes I wish I worked at one of those huge, well-funded megachurches. Well, not really, because they would probably want me to be more professional and not say fuck so much, but I could really go for some good plumbing right about now. Let's just say that I wield a plumbing snake and a plunger...for Jesus!

There is water backing up in the kitchen and the bathroom, because our plumbing is made of tablestraws held together with chewing gum. No, wait, that's the electrical system. I think the plumbing involves Legos somehow. Anyway, it's late, they can't do the dishes from the dinner because of the plumbing problems, my lameass attempts to fix it have been useless, and I can't get anyone here until tomorrow afternoon to deal with it. And this is the second time it has happened this month, so there's something major going on. Feh.

Hey, who wants to help me name the new iPod?
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merry christmas from hell

Ewwwww. I got a Jesus Crap catalog at work today with this terrifying Christmas ornament in it:

It can be engraved on the back with someone's name and their...waddya call it...life years?

Maybe there is someone out there who would be comforted by this. If so, have at it. For me, though, I will just say that if my name ever ends up on one of these things, someone is getting SUCH a haunting.
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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Tuesday. Tuesday. Suntan Tuesday Taylor.

Ach. I feel lousy today. I asked too much of my body lately, and it is giving me a rather nasty message about not doing that any more.

Saturday was deeply productive! We now have a 'dining room' with a 'rug' instead of a 'big honking pile of boxes and dust buffalo' and I put down a rug in the living room as well. Flinging furniture around to do that, after working on those boxes all day, was not one of the things that made my back happy.

On Sunday, we went out to breakfast after church, to the place with the good Swedish pancakes (it's like an IKEA in my mouth!), to celebrate Ryan turning 30. Her Logan's Run-theme party is this weekend. Carousel! Renew! Renew!

Last night, Dennis and I went to a club to see Patton Oswalt. When you picture 'comedy show' you tend to think of people sitting at tables, drinking things. Nope. The place was set up like a rock show, with limited seating. Seating we did not get, because we were on the guest list and getting in was kind of a hassle. So we stood for a couple of hours and it made no sense. Did we need the space to dance? Were we suddenly going to break into a frenzy and hold lighters aloft and yell, WOOOOOOoooOOOOOOO!!! Observational Humor!! Freeeeebird!? Well, no. Still, it was fun to be on a date with Dennis, the show was frequently hilarious, and my back will feel better eventually.

Larry the iPod's carcass is currently on eBay and will recoup a good chunk of the price of the green mini iPod which Amazon will bring me soon. Yes, it is all about the cute. I have no superpowers against the cute and green.
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Thursday, September 23, 2004


My mood has lifted quite a bit, even with the death of Larry the iPod. Larry is going to be replaced with Larry 2, a green mini iPod, next week thanks to my relationship with Audible.com. I'm getting $100 off since I subscribe. So, new bookcases will wait a bit longer.

Lots of good stuff happening. The fairy godchild turns one next week, and is starting to get the whole walking thing down. She's still got kind of a zombie-esque lurching quality, but last night she walked to me and it was the best thing ever. I've almost finished knitting her little sweater, too. I'm looking forward to her birthday party, which will be the classic 'strip the baby down and give her cake and watch the hilarity that ensues' frosting fest.

I've been a bit frazzled about the state of our apartment, but Ryan is going to come over and Drill Sargeant on Saturday afternoon so that I can do a massive de-cluttering. That's going to feel pretty freaking good. For example, if you looked at my sewing area, you might think that I was still working on my wedding dress (May 15) or the fairy godchild's baptism dress (August 1) and neither of those things is even vaguely true. So I need to go through and decide what scraps are big enough to still be considered fabric, and pack them in the fabric stash boxes, and then toss the rest. That will be sweet.

The kitchen is actually looking pretty decent. It has found Jesus. Or, more precisely, I finally got all of my wall crosses hung up in there, around the Mr. Roboto water heater. I put magnets on the backs of a bunch of Mexican tin cross and church ornaments, and have them on the water heater, which looks pretty good. I finished the Virgin of Guadalupe fabric curtain and it is covering the space below the sink formerly known as the Slug Den. I am hoping to get the window curtains done this weekend. Also, no new mushrooms have appeared.
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Tuesday, September 21, 2004

and to dust you shall return


I've been giving CPR to Larry the iPod for the past couple of hours, and it's not working. He's dead.

Machines hate me today.
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Monday, September 20, 2004


Long weekend of Skool for Geekons. I've decided that a geek deacon is a geekon.

CDSP, the seminary where skool is held, has a Smart Classroom. It's smart in a retro way, like old movies about the future that are set in 1986. It has an integrated projection system which is connected to a computer in the corner, for powerpoint or whatever. We had a slideshow in class on Saturday, and at the end, the instructor left up the final slide and sat on the table in front of the screen to lead a really good class discussion. Meanwhile, half her face was getting hit with the projector, turning it purple. It was like talking to a Batman villain.

I'm putting a fork in my bag next time, so that I can jab it into my thigh and stay awake in the class after lunch. Lunch + warm room + three hours of the old testament = lethargy.

I realized this weekend that I'm actually looking forward to taking homiletics and learning how to preach. That starts next semester. For someone who used to throw up before (and, in one bad episode, almost during) oral reports in college, this is a huge thing.

I'm having a hard time letting go of Godly Play. I just can't do it this year, since I'm gone every third weekend. I miss it. Last Sunday was the kickoff and it was hard being away at skool.

I'm hovering on the edge of something which might be exhaustion, might be depression, might just be a case of the Fuck-Its. I need to rest. Or else I might start sounding like this.
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Friday, September 17, 2004

My understanding is that Noah is supposed to be a large, talking cucumber.

Ok, my papers are written and in their little folders in the nifty binder. I am ready for skool. You know, pretty much. Sort of. In a scared but trying not to show it kind of way.

I freaking love McSweeny's. This Bible You Sold Me Is Clearly Defective and I'd Like to Return It, Please
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Thursday, September 16, 2004


Something deeply goofy from my church clipart collection:

On first glance, it's a mushroom cloud. Or maybe that's a hand and God is playing some kind of ping-pong game. I don't know. What do you think?
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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

There's always room for one more dumbass at St. Ned's

I designed a really cool new business card for St. Ned's last week. They just came. The main service time is wrong. We're still going to send them out for Invitation Sunday, with the new time written in, since there isn't time to get them reprinted. We're hoping for 'charmingly imperfect' on this one.

See previous note re: fucking up left and right, although there was a lot of back-and-forth on the design for this and no one else caught the time change, either.
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find the mistakes!

Back again. The writer's block is bad. Also, I've lost my ability to think clearly or perform basic human functions, like make my hair not look like ass. I'm having a bad hair week. And every single thing I've done lately has a small but annoying fuckup, like printing the wrong date or something. I am too fragmented for details, I guess. I filled up the car the other night and drove home with the gas cap off.

It's not that I was such a together person before, really, but still this complete lack of intelligent action is starting to worry me.

The street fair was very fun on Saturday. The pork sammiches were tasty, especially since I finally escaped the smell of the pork after Thursday's pork-shredding-fest. It was still in my car Friday morning, which felt a bit too MacBeth for my tastes. Out, damned pork! It was fine once I wiped down my steering wheel, which had absorbed the scent from my hands.

We went to the quilting store downtown whilst at the festival, and Ryan got the best fabric ever to make curtains for her study: Futurella. It was particularly entertaining because the fabric store clerk clearly did not approve of sassy scantily-clad futuristic women with big hair. The ones on the fabric, I mean. We had clothes on and our hair was well-contained. I will forever be jealous of Ryan's ability to just put her hair up and have it look great without even looking in a mirror.

I'm having a serious crisis of confidence about skool; it's kind of paralyzing, to tell you the truth. I'm trying to treat it as a normal thing that must be passed through and not give it any real weight, but the fact is I'm ready to bolt. I probably won't, I will probably be in the chapel at 7:45 a.m. on Saturday (ok, 7:52 is slightly more likely), but my baseline setting right now is Extreme Fear.
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Friday, September 10, 2004


A couple of people have pointed me to this. Heh. Funny.
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Thursday, September 09, 2004

pulled pork

St. Ned's has a booth at this weekend's street festival. We'll be selling North Carolina-style bbq pork sandwiches. Which has meant that my life seems to include a lot of pork this week.

300 lbs. of pork got smoked in a contraption made out of the church's old fridge. A couple of our engineer types came up with that clever thing, and then the pork spent 20 hours inside before being removed this morning. Maybe some of the crispy fat that was stuck to the gratings got eaten. Maybe by me.

Tonight, we shredded the pork. I have pork in my pores.

I'm not working in the booth this weekend, but I'll go to the festival. I also really seriously need to do some homework. I have terrible writer's block. The closest I've come to workiing on my papers is time spent arranging my syllabi into careful piles, and using highlighters on them. I also bought a nifty binder.
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Wednesday, September 01, 2004

stuffing (instead of potatoes)

There was an angel teddy bear in the basket of toys in the office. Now, there isn't, but Buddy the Visiting Dog looks pretty pleased with himeself.

I'm not totally clear on the theological implications of teddy bear angels, anyway. Are they real bears which have died and gone to heaven, and through some sort of strange embalming-like process they acquired stuffing and polyester fur? Are they the souls of teddy bears which have been, say, destroyed by malicious cats (Clyde has some of those to answer for)? Where does that fit in with the Velveteen Rabbit doctrine?

Because I will use any excuse to remind people that this exists: dogs in elk.
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