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Friday, January 02, 2004

three dog night

I'm housesitting right now, which gets me a trio of fabulous labs. Two are yellow, and one is chocolate. The chocolate one is blind, and he's the sweetest dog. I woke up this morning with all three of them on the bed again.

I don't feel like sharing much right now, largely because there just isn't much to talk about. I'm moving forward, I'm doing the work, but it's all just the same old slog. I'm low on insight. Everything I journal lately feels like a throwback to a page from three or four or six months previous. And yet I feel movement.

The fear is pretty strong right now, because there's part of me that does not want to move forward, does not want to acknowledge that if I'm putting my trust in God, that means less power for Sara and what Sara wants. It means that we're on the boat now and turning back isn't an option and if there's transformation we're just going to have to deal with that however it shows up.

I don't really have the option to get off this path now, and that's where a lot of the fear comes from. You know the part in the baptism service that says, "you are marked as Christ's own forever?" That's how I feel. I can keep running as long as I want to, but it won't change anything. And I want to run. I really do. It's like my heart is committed but my brain is holding back and saying, well, yes, but isn't there some sort of middle ground here where I still get to be in charge of some stuff? And hey, if I live for myself, isn't that sort of like living for God? Well, um, no. Doesn't work that way.

If I were a real Christian, I wouldn't be having this fear, right? I'd be all trust in the Lord it's easy happy clappy bite me. Yeah, well, I suck. I haven't found a way to just flip a switch and be in All Trust All The Time mode. It happens incrementally. Wait, not incrementally. It builds up like water behind a dam and then there's a little giving way of the inner defenses and then fwoom, there's a rush forward. So the fear and anxiety are busy shoring up that dam and keeping all that water in, because once it blows, nothing is going to be the same.

I think I just have to go off on my own for a while and let this happen.
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