I sometimes feel like I'm at the beginning part of a movie, where everything is really great and there is all this visual shorthand to show how in love and blessed and happy the main characters are.
You know, right before the zombies show up.
Part of me is sitting around waiting for the zombies, because that reptilian section of my brain believes that the goodness in my life can't be real, it has to just be a setup for some giant catastrophe. So I'm always holding back slightly.
I realized over the weekend that I'm still living as though I'm in my adorable little Christian phase, one I'll be free to step out of whenever the mood strikes me. Still holding back a little, just in case this all falls apart. You know, just in case they figure out who I really am and then there's all that unpleasant burning at the stake.
Yah. Like I'd be worth the kindling. My heresies are boring and unoriginal in the grand scheme of things. It's fun to think of myself as provocative and dangerous, but it's impossible to maintain for long without giggling.
I don't really know what I'm going to do with this, except that whole pondering in my heart thing.
