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Sunday, July 24, 2005
I'm going to take a year off from deacon school. I've been doing a lot of discernment this summer, and I don't think I'm done with it yet.
 I know I'm going to get shit for this decision, but it's really not some kind of 'I don't want to make toys! I want to be a DENTIST!' moment. It's more that what I'm doing now isn't working. Honestly? I suspect it's not working because I negotiated this big contract with God and went ahead even though mine is the only signature on the paper.
Which is kind of a sucky thing to realize, what with my alleged holiness and all.
I don't know if I'm saying No or Not Yet, but I don't feel like I can go back until I chip away at this a little more.
There's a part of me that just really, really wants some kind of order and structure and validation to this whole faith thing, and one place to look for all of that is in preparation for ordained ministry. You do this and this and this and you learn these things and you jump through these hoops and then the bishop stamps you on the head and then you're not just some big weirdo who couldn't handle the real world. There's an element of ego to it, too, in the temptation of thinking you would be slightly better than everyone else with a collar. Even though that's not at all true, I sometimes see a bit of that motivation flickering around the edges for me. And I just wonder what is driving this Must! Do! This! Now! bus that I've been on. I don't think the urgency is God's, I think it's mine.
And, of course, in my even more selfish moments, I really want to just sink into this life we're putting together and enjoy some of the blessings that have been piling up. I want to have friends over, and knit, and sew, and get my body healthier, and teach Godly Play, and sexually harass Dennis the Sexton, and write more. A lot of those things got pushed aside last year.
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