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I will get by...

I really didn't expect things to be this hard...the problem is that every little coping mechanism that I've pieced together over the past 34 years just isn't working all that well anymore. It feels like I'm being stripped back down to my 7th grade self, the one who didn't have any way to cope. And this, I have to say, is quite a shitty place to be.

Yes, I can accept that God needs this to happen to me, that we need a serious reduction in bullshit in order for me to be effective, but it's really quite terrifying. There's a lot of stuff I haven't dealt with, stuff I've just sort of paved over for 20 years or so, and honestly? I'm not that excited about poking back through it. Not even a little bit.

I'm feeling kind of weird. But I'm grounded in love, the love of God and the love of everyone around me who is being amazing. So it's going to be ok.

I'm really glad I have the retreat coming up this weekend. My fabulous roommate isn't going to be able to go. This cuts down on the potential for causing mayhem, but it also gives me a room all to myself, which will perhaps be useful. My general approach to retreats is that it's my retreat, and I will participate in what I want to and skip the rest. If I want to sit in my room and knit and journal and pray for two days and emerge only for meals, well, that's what will happen.

I have a meeting tomorrow with the principal of deacon skool, to try to figure out what I should do about the fact that I am Massively Behind and apparently not dealing with the emotional component as well as I expected to. I can't be the first person to have a rough first semester, so I expect that we'll come up with a good plan, even if it means dropping a class or taking an incomplete for something. There's a way out of where I am right now, and it's altogether shocking that I'm willing to let other people help me find it.
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