Hello, everyone! I have returned. And you, well, you all look fabulous. Have you changed your hair?
It was good, taking a break. During that time, I traveled 200 miles to diocesan convention, packed up all my stuff and moved, and survived the annual parish meeting.
I have, of course, learned several Very Important Lessons while I was on hiatus. Except, well, not. Maybe something about how important it is to know which box you packed your default-setting black shoes in, but that is about it.
Getting the Annual Meeting together was much better this year than it was last year, up until the Stupid Powerpoint Screwup during the meeting itself. I was running the slideshow, and due to some technical glitches, I was running blind, without knowing what was on the next slide. And someone, possibly TheRev, changed up the order of part of the meeting, and I couldn't find the right place in the slideshow. It all worked out, though, and we all managed to renew our baptismal vows in some form, without the help of the Big Giant Screen. I hope not too many people heard me say, "screw it, I give up" which is NOT in the responses and which was directed only to the computer in front of me.
I can't really say why exactly I decided to be gone from the blog during January. Part of it was feeling like maybe I was using my life more as blog fodder than anything else. There was a point when I realized that I was writing entries in my head as I processed things, and it scared me a bit. It's not just the blog; I also decided not to be as active in various fora, because I couldn't find my own voice anymore. It was like I couldn't work anything out for myself unless I wrote it for public consumption and feedback. I needed to take a break to get my head back in my head.
I've been noticing lately how much time I spend second-guessing other people's choices, and how sensitive I am to it when it's directed at me.
I've been working at St Ned's for almost two years now, and I still get crap for jumping off the tech train to do it. It bothers me that people think I'm throwing away my prime career-building years (yes, I've actually heard that phrase - who talks like that?) on this "lame job that doesn't pay anything." The thing is, I have one decision that I can point to and say that it was the right one, and that is the decision to get out of tech and work for the church, and specifically work at St. Ned's. I fucking love the place, I love the people, and they love me back. I know that what I do matters. Maybe not every little thing, but as a whole, my being there benefits the community, and they take care of me in return. This is enough for me. I have enough.
I guess that's what bothers me...that I feel like I have enough, and I keep getting hit with the message that it isn't enough. It doesn't make me feel like the path I've chosen is wrong, it makes me sad because I'm not being seen. Because if you really saw me, you would see that I have all I need. And then I wonder how many people I'm not really seeing, how many lives I'm just sort of slipping through without touching anything (even though I seem to be convinced that I could do a better job with points A, B, and C of that life).
And I remember how tired I am at the end of the day, how all my Social Calories get burned right up just being all surface-perky, and I wonder how I'm supposed to manage all this exhausting seeing and labor-intensive authenticity. I'm totally capable of pushing people to be real while simultaneously fleeing from the overwhelm of that realness. I'm feeling my limits lately. It's one of the little dances of ministry...give until you can't give any more, pull back and recharge, go forth and give some more. Rinse. Repeat.
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