I've been spending so much energy working myself into stupid knots because I don't know what to DO in order to get back on track spiritually. I've just felt so empty and none of the obvious answers seemed good enough.
I've been doing a lot of shower prayer - you know, where you're in the shower and you just start praying and it's sort of messy and angry and the next thing you know, the hot water is gone and you still have glop in your hair and you're late for work. Basically, the prayer comes down to, what do you want me to DO now? I don't know what to DO!
People who read my earlier post re: maybe not having to mindfuck everything to death to get results are already jumping up on their desks, waving their hands in the air so I'll call on them, because they have figured it out. I'm going about this all wrong. Surprise! Well, ok, not surprise. Why is it that I can maintain an epiphany for maybe 10 minutes and I completely lack the ability to re-apply it in other areas?
See, I'm still trying to run the show, still trying to control everything, still trying to have my relationship with The Jeez be tied to something I'm doing or not doing or only doing partly right. Because wouldn't it be so much more comfortable that way? It's so much scarier to say, God, here I am, put me to use and I'll hang on for the ride.
I couldn't stop laughing when my spiritual director finally made the connection for me yesterday morning. At the end of a session, she always prays for me. This was the prayer yesterday:
