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revisiting the work thing

I sewed frantically after I got home from Job II: Electric Boogaloo last night; the pink genie whose outfit is pink costume for MacKenzie is nearly finished. There were stupid moments of doing stupid things and I think the zipper application could get a kid kicked out of 4H, but it works.

At around 9 I just wanted to get out of this house so I drove a bit and ended up grabbing a McBurrito at Chipotle (yes, I try to avoid them because they're owned by McDonalds and we have better local tacquerias, but I was right by there when I remembered that I was hungry) and then I ended up just sitting at the table and staring at the stupid scratched urban-edgy stainless steel table top for like way too long.

I have to do something about Job II. The last time I had a full day off was October 5th. I have now worked three weeks without stopping, and it looks like I'm just not strong enough to handle it. I'm only working 15 hours, spread over three shifts per week, which just doesn't sound like much to me, but my stress level is out of control, and I'm not even teaching Godly Play right now. I add that back in next week, and it's exhausting enough on its own.

What it comes down to is that my life is just out of alignment. Obviously, I've completely lost the concept of sabbath. The other day I found myself thinking that maybe I just wasn't made to work seven days a week, and then I had to smack myself when I realzed that, duh, I think that's pretty much in Genesis and I just taught that same concept in Godly Play a few weeks ago. I wonder...is the storyteller even listening to herself?

Working retail isn't clicking for me the way it used to. I can't really put my finger on what has changed, but it all seems pretty empty. I'm still good at it, and I can pull off looking happy while I'm there, but I used to get a bit of a buzz off the work itself and that's just not happening. I can't tell how much of that is the specific to Stumpriver (yes, I know, I suck at pseudonyms), the store where I'm working, though.

There's a desperation in the store that can almost be seen if you squint hard enough, and that's hard to be around. I think the manager may be in trouble with corporate since we're way off from last year, and her anxiety spills over into everything. It's not a great atmosphere, and they prohibit conversations between co-workers, so it's not as though I've built a bunch of great relationships with the other people.

It may be that I need to find a different job, say for 10 hours a week, and see if that changes anything. I would be sad about leaving after Stumpriver put all that effort into training me, except, well, they didn't, so I don't know why I feel guilty about wanting to leave. If I leave now they will be able to hire someone else and have her trained in time for the Christmas rush. And I should still be able to find something else.

The original reason I got into this mess, as those of you playing along at home will remember, was to finance a new place to live and get out of Bad House early next year. This is still a goal. I've been praying about it, though, and I feel like a solution is going to happen whether or not I work myself to death for the next two months. I don't know what it will look like at this point, but I do have faith that this situation isn't going to last forever. It would still be a good idea to lay away some extra cash so I'm ready for it, but this single-minded thing that I MUST make enough money to get my own apartment by such-and-such date is really rigid and wrongheaded and has gotten me into my current exhausted state.

At least tonight is PumpkinFest, and I will get to see Leigh and her terrifying cake!
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